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so my new therapy will help I think But I feel really anxious and nervous too though I think it will be okay and I just have to let go....I feel like it will work better for me than others I've tried...I'm determined to make it work and journal about it and what to bring up, but I'm also putting myself down and feeling so paranoid I'm misunderstood though I do feel like I'm being heard at the same time for once. I'm learning to let go of old feelings and start a new cause that's what I want, like anger, sadness, crazy thoughts etc. but at the same time I feel sad a bit, a little bit manic for the past two days like I'm not good enough....sometimes when that happens, I start getting headaches or starting to do too much or getting urges to do stuff I shouldn't though I don't....and then I retreat to doing things that make me comfortable, or using it as escapism.
Guys, I'm in rehab to stop thinking about certain people so much to the point where I can't function and get depressed all the time, so I can deal with my real feelings. I think it will help, but it really hurts admitting that it became an addiction cause of life stress and not dealing with those feelings....I feel stupid for it too when people have worse addictions or have lost lives to it, but this is a big part of my depression, like a big cover up for other things I wasn't addressing and I have to get to the bottom of it. [Edited 8/6/11 2:24am] | |
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Not to be nosey but just curious... pondering the sources of your troubles. What was your addiction? what is it now you feel you are not good enough for?... and what do you mean by manic because manic is an elevated mood, I'm thinking you might have meant a depressed mood but maybe not... since you say you felt you were not good enough.
and these things you want to let go of, from where? from how long?... I mean how big is that bag you're carrying exactly?
in any case if you don't have time to answer... good luck.
and btw, a drug is a substance. people are dynamic. Don't be hard on yourself for having feelings rather than having a monkey on your back. Both are legitimate issues. | |
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Sounds you are on the right track of healing yourself!
I have the same experience, have been a relationship addict, directing my energy to an alcoholic. When I started curing, I felt depressed and anxious too.
Because, that was exactly what I had been covering up and avoiding by directing all my attention and energy towards someone else. Once I stared to aknowledge that, and more importantly, stop my behavior, I focussed my attention towards myself, and as a result became more depressed. I'm happy to tell you that, I just went through that phase, experienced it consciously and am doing much better now.
So, yeah, it's hard, not easy, and it takes a lot of effort to heal yourself. However, it's my experience that it is worth every pain staking minute, because life truly does improve!
Wish you the best.
99% of my posts are ironic. Maybe this post sides with the other 1%. | |
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I suffer from bipolar disorder so even though I'm medicated for it, my moods still go up and down. I was told to take something else too to make my obsessive thoughts go away, but I'm talking that out instead of repressing it before considering
I got addicted to a public figure and took it too far. Nothing wrong with liking this person, but it got in the way of my functioning for years eve when I didn't want to think about this person and I tried everything. It would happen as a reaction to anxiety and confrontation and insecurity, and everything gave me that, and I would beat myself up for not being able to stop. This has been going for about 15 years at least, and escalated for the past 11-12 and it became destructive too.
Though I'm relieved I'm getting help, I feel really embarassed about it and not being taken seriously. I was listened to in the past, but they couldn't help me, this time I am being helped but I hope it's the right step.
I know I have an addictive personality and traits overall. I'm also a big dweller and if anyone lets me down, I don't take it well and internalize anger for months and months. [Edited 8/6/11 3:13am] | |
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I'm really glad you are getting help and finding it benefiting you!
Fantastic news! | |
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I'm glad to hear you are doing so much better. I thought I was in touch with myself the whole time,all this time and being true to myself, but I guess it became too automatic for me to realize until things in adult life were falling apart and the some tragic stuff happened and it was no longer working for me no matter what and my personality changed for the worst and now I'm trying my hardest to work on who I want to be instead. Still be an admirer/fan but not act like I have a co-dependency every time there is stress cause it's not healthy | |
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It's a great effort already that you recognize the unhealthy nature of your obsession with that star. And it's really a great step forward for getting help. Sounds your therapist/psychiatrist is truly helping you with developing more constructive and healthy coping styles for your ever changing moods!
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Thank you *hug* I'm only just getting started though, I felt good about it, but then started worrying later on too and starting to beat myself up again emotionally cause it's a habit and for a long time I was calling myself an addict too :*( | |
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it's a step in the right direction, I think you can expect it to be a little shaky at first right?
I know it's REALLY super hard, but let go and let others help you | |
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This time it's more like I'm helping myself and he's guiding me towards going for what I want and how I want to see myself excel in life. I really started acting crazy and getting thoughts I didn't believe once this escapism wasn't working anymore.
I feel pathetic for babbling like you all don't already know who it is | |
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hihihi, I'm the org-irrelevant-babbling-queen! No worries
99% of my posts are ironic. Maybe this post sides with the other 1%. | |
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yeah, I want to trust and I'm sure I can, this place seems to have a really good rep, but I'm also really scared I'll go into crisis or something cause this is all such a sensitive topic for me
And I know I need it cause thinking now is so depressing, and it also got to a point where I was name calling though I didn't mean it at all or wasn't really mad, it felt like another personality took over like a defense mechanism to protect me from how traumatized I was and I was telling it to shut up, and my psychiatrist said those were like having fast paced and racing manic thoughts or something. Once I tried writing down what happens on paper, it made sense why I'm getting them, but it was scary cause it was nothing like my personality and I wondered if I was losing interest, but I wasn't. I was just angry I had to deal with my own pain that exploded like a bomb and I was not prepared for it and it was the addiction and codependency and pain I experienced I was mad about more than anything. | |
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I think you know best | |
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tell them and then trust
maybe you can distance yourself from all your feelings and thoughts right now, because you know it's phase and there is no need to dramatize it.
Would running help you with distancing yourself from your thoughts and feelings a little? For me that helps; maybe some sports might help you too. Or yoga?
99% of my posts are ironic. Maybe this post sides with the other 1%. | |
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yeah it was hard to say out loud I get angry too but I didn't mean it and I know it's selfish and irrational cause I'm really not mad at him and I guess it's easier for my mind to do that than admit reality though I know better
I did bring this up but I'm mostly going for how to handle anxiety and confrontation head on and not letting things like this and the other issues we'll dig deep into get to me. Those are the real issues, the addictive behaviours and thoughts are all a mask. [Edited 8/6/11 3:40am] | |
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I try my best to live in the moment and appreciate real life people and events and enjoy, but then I retreat and want to be alone so I do that. I stopped congregation for a long time, but have slowly started again though I'm not the same as I was like before. Physical activity exhausts me though I used to dance, I develop fatigue so easily. I do have a life other than this and created many opportunties to make sure I do for many years and I'm glad I did or I wouldn't have come far today in dealing with the pain and developing my inner strength which I thought I had really lost 2 years ago. But at the same time, it made me nervous and I had trust issues or felt misunderstood and ended up isolating myself or thinking I should perform and stuff like that to feel loved and special like people I admire and now I feel I have lost that ability and it's also gone, though that could be cause I'm depressed... [Edited 8/6/11 3:45am] | |
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You'll be fine. Try to get out of the drama, and do something that you know will calm you, in a constructive way, eg sports.
Well, I'm off, I hear the boats of the gay pride are around the corner, so I'm going to watch the party on the water!
Wish you well and hope you can maintain yourself and set boundaries on your own behaviour!
99% of my posts are ironic. Maybe this post sides with the other 1%. | |
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I know you are trying to help, but my "sport" used to be dance and I would use it to get out my frustrations. I can't do it anymore cause of injuries I got before and how doing it aggravates me physically and emotionally. And even when I do it, I can't feel the "passion" or "magic" anymore and even when I tried performing publically a few times for events, I could not get excited and wanted to run off, I knew it was over :*( I really lost a part of myself. I felt like that was 90 percent of what I needed to really do my best and though it all came from me, I feel like it's no longer there anymore, non existent.
Yeah it is a boundary issue too, sad part is I know I'm doing all this and know how to act and be sane and reasonable for the most part. I understand logically what I'm doing is destructive but always let the emotions catch up in the end. [Edited 8/6/11 3:52am] | |
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ahhhhh.
I have had a few brushes with a few people of moderate notoriety who I found very interesting. When I say brushes, I don't mean I had a thing with any of them. I mean distant interludes where you at least now the person knows you exist and who you are..... BUT... you gotta give yourself respect, because once you get to that point... if someone who has all sorts of resources to make things happen for themselves and they don't make a sep to you soon after you have in some way presented yourself, then it's time to move on.
here's why i think people go into denial and can't let it go. they never get a chance to present themselves and be noticed but not pursued so they can get the hell over it. You know what i mean? like you will always think there is a chance if there is no reson for you to NOT think there is a chance... but you got to be brutally honest with yourself when it comes to those kind of emotions i think. You can't think just because someone is nice to you and smiles when they meet you that you still have a chance. If you ever get your chance, you'll kick yourself if you don't get it off your chest and if you make a fool out of yourself, so what? a wise person once told me that...and if you tell them how great you think they are and who you are and that if they are ever in such and such and want go for coffee or what not and a month later they haven't tracked... it's time to get proud of yourself for not wasting anymore time.
that's closure... sometimes that is what it takes when you want something if you let inkling hope grow and fester... you're just a great big ball of hopeful anticipation that has to face the fact on a regular basis that your deeply invested tender feelings are for someone you have no access to... and that is enough to make anyone depressed... because it's a shot of hopelessness as the antidote for a hope that you became addicted to by how good it makes you feel.
and you know if they never know you, there will never be a chance at all... and i realize that to present oneself to someone of notoriety that way would make many feel like a fool, especially if you have put time and fantasies into it. now you've let it get built all up... and yes, 99.9999% of people with hopes like that get disappointed but you have to believe in your ability to take that crap and go ahead and pt yourself out there if you want someone to see you and when it doesn't go right, keep moving on.
that's a lot of years to be hanging in suspension.
Can i ask if you ever had your chance to present yourself to this person? You're a person... they are a person. As crazy as it sounds these things do happen, but if you never got your closure because you felt it was silly from the beginning since you are a "regular" person whatever that means.... then you cut yourself down with self defeat... while still giving in to what makes you feel good. all disasterous mixes.
Whereas if you look at yourself and say 'i AM worthy" and don't let all that hope build and don't be afraid to express your admiration and if you want someone to know you, present yourself!...and then even if you don't get your way, you accomplished something! You got an answer and now you can move on and you might be able to look at that person more like a human without all the stars in your eyes.
yeah, sometimes that might not go too right and might cause an upset especially if they had a bad day and of all people take it out on someone they have no idea is love with them... but 15 years?
At the sound of it... it sounds scary, but i think it's just maybe you might have felt defeated from the very beginning and never gave yourself a chance to face it and learn from it and let it make you stronger.
i don't know.... this might not even be what the hell you're talking about for all i know. | |
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On the flip side of things, expressing admiration can make others thik you are obsessed even if you are not... i find that a lot, but you have to not care about things like that. Let people with preconceived notions have whatever it is that ocuppies their mind to keep them from messing with other shit. | |
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I think some of it is making sense and you posed questions I can ask myself to see if I'm on the right track. I have been 'high' off seeing this person in real life, but he doesn't know I exist. I almost had a chance and came close, but it didn't work out and now it will never happen cause he is no more. I kept waiting cause I really thought it would happen cause with everything in life, work, school, activities, etc. no matter how anxious I was, I always got my way and never heard no, the very thing I wanted to do the most, I feel I was robbed of. I didn't feel this right away at all cause he meant more to me than seeing him, but then loving him felt painful, so something selfish like that started nagging at me though it's tacky. But I know it's from dependency. Of course I knew I was overdoing it too all that time and tried to stay grounded and rely on my faith and what I have,but it wasn't enough. And I developed emotional attachment, though I understand the pyschological reasons behind possible causes though I made the choice. I also learned what a superficial and spoiled brat I was all this time and blind to that, looking down on others for being like that because of the person I was trying to become and the work and volunteering I did, but it hurt that I'm capable of being like the others and I've realized I'm bitter and jaded like the rest.
And yeah I have really scared myself with some of these thoughts, I learned some really bad things about myself I never knew. But if anyone says anything bad, I get hypersensitive and emotional if it's overdone though if it's not that bad, I can sort of handle it. I am also objective and not a blind fan so it makes no sense why I find myself acting like this. Always knew the person was human obviously and would look down on hysterical people for their stupid attitudes though I had my own problems, but sometimes rude awakenings just remind you once again we are all human and only here for so long.
[Edited 8/6/11 4:27am] | |
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You are taking steps in the right direction....good luck! | |
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he is no more? he died? ... oh, wow.
There have been times when i have tried to do a lot of soul searching for answers and i think that is really important, but sometimes the answers won't just manifest in your head... or create a path for you to get what you want, or to be able to let go.... no matter how good it is to sort things out and be prepared. Some times I think there is just no way you can know till you try or ask, whatever the case may be. Sometimes it's just simple deeds and living that reveal wisdom and sometimes trying to achieve enough wisdom to make you bulletproof from failure, is little more than counter productive.
I hope you get to feeling better. i am having to deal with a some pretty unusual things myself lately that sometimes makes me feel the need to get stuff off my chest even if it makes no sense to anyone else. We are vessels in so many ways that can only contain so much. I have to say even though i don't know who you are on a message board and you can always walk away from a screen name, it takes courage to talk about things like that... and i agree it's a step in the right direction.
try not to let time get you down. time keeps rolling and so do we... even into the beyond I believe. it seems you have spent a lot time planning who you are going to be. ... but you are already somebody, and you always will be. Your individual unique force is energy that will carry on and on... it may change, it may transform but even the changes are you and in one form or another, you are a force. | |
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Yeah he died. Though I make plans of how to get my mindset and life overall in order and the darkness is not as bad as before, my moods are still messed up. I'm very agitated today and not in a good mood for no reason and can't snap out of it. Maybe I need to eat something. I'm going to try to remember what I learned yesterday cause I was getting anxious again, and have to trust what to do in place of it instead of the destructive thought patterns will help | |
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I'm already feeling a difference, though I still have low moments too. Yesterday, I did something I'm afraid of and feel great | |
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I made a thread last night, I was trying to get back into my hobbies, but it didn't work out. I found another opportunity I might be able to do, but it may not be emotionally or physically healthy for me. I don't know why I want to get something back so bad that I feel I can't do anymore just so I could recapture how I felt before all this started. But it does sound like something I want to do.
And sometimes I start thinking I should just back away for good so the obsessive thoughts I previously talked about go away, though I really know I don't need to do that and it's just anger speaking. Food is fine, comfort food is not. I look at it that way now, and I've had too much comfort food and miss it.
But thanks for being supportive [Edited 8/10/11 21:47pm] | |
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